Bridging Cultures: A Look at Adoption-Competency and Transracial Adoption
In this premiere episode of Bridging Cultures, host Tiffany Silva Herlin joins Reggie Wilson and Cristell Marcial (LCSWs) to tackle the crucial realities of transracial adoption, examining how trauma, identity, and microaggressions affect children of color raised in transracial families. They emphasize that parents must move past the "colorblind" myth and do their own emotional work to effectively validate and advocate for their child's experiences. If you are an adoptive parent or family member, consider listening to gain essential insights for support and healing.
In this premiere episode of Bridging Cultures, host Tiffany Silva Herlin, LCSW, is joined by fellow licensed clinical social workers, Reggie Wilson and Cristell Marciall, to discuss the unique complexities of transracial adoption and the emotional landscape of adopted teens. Together, they explore the different facets of adoption, such as trauma, race, and identity, offering professional clinical perspectives paired with deep empathy. This conversation serves as a guide for families searching to understand the lived experiences of their adopted children and strengthen their family bonds.
Key topics discussed in this episode include:
- Understanding Adoption Trauma: Exploring the "silent suffering" of adopted teens and identifying the signs of identity pain and grief.
- The Importance of "Mirrors": Why representation, cultural connection, and having mentors who share the child's racial background are vital for healthy development.
- Navigating Difficult Conversations: Moving past "colorblindness" to have honest, blunt, and supportive discussions about race and microaggressions.
Whether you are just beginning your adoption journey or are currently navigating the challenging teenage years, this episode offers the validation and vocabulary you need to support your child. By doing your own work as a parent and learning to hold space for your teen's complex emotions, you can move toward a place of hope and healing. You are not alone in this process, and it is never too late to start the conversation.
Take the Next Step. If your family needs deeper support or stabilization, we are here to help. Please contact us at 855-701-2721 or visit us online at oasisascent.com to learn more about OASIS Ascent.
Introduction to Hosts and Topic of Transracial Adoption
Tiffany: Welcome to Bridging Cultures, the mini-series for adoptive parents raising children across racial lines. If you've ever wondered how to help your child feel proud of who they are, how to talk about race without messing up, or how to ease the loneliness your child may not have the words for, you are in the right place. Today, we are joined by licensed clinical social worker Reggie Wilson and Cristell Marcial to uncover what transracial adoptees experience, especially during emotional and mental health crises, and what you, the parent, can do to support them. Reggie and Cristell, thank you guys so much for joining me today.
Reggie: Thank you. Thank you for having us.
Cristell: Yeah, thank you for having us.
Tiffany: Yeah, this is such an important conversation. Let's start with you guys just telling us a little bit about yourselves and why you're passionate about this work.
Reggie: Sure. As you mentioned, my name is Reggie Wilson. I am the Clinical Director of the boys' unit over at OASIS. My background is that I've been doing this for over two decades. I’ve worked in many levels of care as a therapist and as a clinical director. In that time, I've had the pleasure of interacting with several adoptive families as well as transracially adoptive families.
My interest is really in wanting to make sure that I'm the best therapist I can be for these families and supporting them in the best way possible. I've teamed up with Cristell, who has also had a variety of clients including adoptive and transracially adoptive families. We came up with this idea to really step up and support these families, because I think there are some things that some do miss in situations like this. I am very happy to be here to help support parents who have bravely stepped into this position of adopting a child.
Tiffany: Thank you.
Cristell: Yeah, like you said, my name is Cristell Marcial. Most of my time as a therapist has been in a residential setting. As Reggie described for himself, I got to work a lot with adoptive families. The more I worked, the more I saw it was specifically a lot of transracial adoption families, and I just became super interested in it. I realized there was a different take I needed to have with them and different needs that they had.
It's been really great working with Reggie and seeing how much we've learned together through our time at OASIS. That's really where my interest started and where it has continued. We've learned a lot through working with the families, and it's been really cool to see- through working with the parents, the siblings, and everyone together- where these families can really go. So yeah, I'm just excited to share what we know.
The Importance of Adoption
Tiffany: You guys have great expertise on this. In fact, you actually started this as a presentation for therapists, and you've been presenting it at conferences and webinars. It's phenomenal. That's why I felt we had to have you come on and share this with parents, because there's such valuable information regarding transracial adoption that our parents could use.
Reggie: Yes. I just want to add one thing, Tiffany. We really want parents to know that this is in no way an indication that adoption is not good or that adoption is futile. It is just the opposite. We really recognize that adoption is a good thing- and we support it- and we want to support parents who have adopted transracially, as well as those in same-race adoptions. I'm hoping that parents can walk away from here with some really good information to help them support and connect with their child better.
Tiffany: I love that. This can be a tricky world to step into. The goal of this podcast is to provide hope and validation that parents are not alone in what they're facing and that these struggles are real. Lastly, we want to discuss how they can seek out support and what tools they can use to get the help they need as they navigate this world.
Reggie: Exactly- yes.
Tiffany: For those who are new to this topic, can you define transracial adoption?
Cristell: Yeah. Transracial adoption, or interracial adoption, is when a parent is of a different race from the child they are adopting.
Tiffany: Most of our listeners are probably going to know what that is, but if we have a few tuning in who haven't adopted and are curious about the topic, that's what it is. Anything you want to add to that, Reggie?
Reggie: Yes. I just agree that we want to emphasize that adoption is a good thing, but transracially adopted kids don't just have the adoption piece; they also have the piece of the loss of culture, identity, and race.
Tiffany: Let's talk about some of the statistics and research out there about this topic. There are some really interesting findings. Adoptees are statistically seven times more likely to end up in treatment than non-adoptive children. As a therapist myself, I've seen that to be very true while working in a residential program. This profound statistic underscores that parents are not alone and that their child's struggle is rooted in systemic risk factors, not parental failure.
Reggie: 100%.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Reggie: I'm glad that you mentioned that piece, because it's not about parental failure. It really is not. We want those parents out there to know that there are a lot of issues they are dealing with that are different than a traditional adoption.
Tiffany: Absolutely. Other research published in Pediatrics found that adoptees are four times more likely to attempt suicide than non-adoptees. This highlights that the crisis parents are seeing is not just "teen angst" or a normal thing. The risk is significantly higher- that deserves immediate and compassionate attention.
Another interesting statistic is that approximately 44% of all adoptions in the U.S. are transracial. You may feel isolated in your specific neighborhood, yet you are navigating a journey shared by nearly half of all adoptive families. I thought that was really interesting.
And then lastly, the "unprepared feeling" is normal. Studies show that roughly 25% of adoptive parents report feeling unprepared for the complex realities of adoption. So if you feel overwhelmed as a parent, it's not because you're failing; it's because the task is complex and requires support you may not have received yet.
Reggie: 100%. Yeah.
Supporting Teens Through Grief, Identity & Belonging in Transracial Adoption
Tiffany: Let's dive in. Many parents feel deep love going into adoption, right? It's something they desire; they want children. Yet, there is also maybe some fear along with this. What is the most important message you want to deliver to a parent listening because their child is hurting due to transracial adoption?
Reggie: I would say that parents really need to understand that their teen is going through a lot of issues with culture, loss of identity, and race. When we talk about how a parent can support these teens, it's really about making yourself a safe place for those conversations to take place. You need to be able to help guide your teen through uncomfortable conversations and say things like, "I'm here when you want to talk about it." Make sure it's not just a one-time conversation; these kinds of talks should take place all the time. We certainly don't want to force teens to talk about the issues they're struggling with, but we want them to know that whenever they are ready, you are open. Don't be afraid to say, "I don't know how that feels, but I can hear you."
Tiffany: I love that, because there are going to be times as a parent where you don't know how it feels. Maybe you don't really understand, or maybe you don't even agree, right?
Reggie: Yeah, that is true.
Cristell: I also want to add that when a child is hurting, it is not a rejection of the parent; it's just an additional part of life they are trying to navigate. It might sometimes feel like a rejection from the child, and it may be hard to go into those difficult conversations, but that's not where the child is coming from. It's just something they don't know how to navigate. Parents should check in with themselves and acknowledge, "Okay, we're okay, our relationship is good." Even if there is something to work on, the child's struggle isn't coming from a place of rejecting the parent.
Tiffany: I love that. I think as a parent, it's easy to have our ego on the line a little bit when our kids give us feedback about ourselves, our parenting, or a situation. It's easy to take it as a personal attack, right? But this isn't a personal thing. An adoptee may say, "I feel alone, and I don't fit into my family." The parent might think, "I've given you everything. We love you. You are part of our family- we don't see that." But that's not what the child is saying. They aren't saying you didn't do a good job or you didn't love them enough; they are just saying they feel lonely.
For you to be able to show up and hold space without saying, "But don't you appreciate that we adopted you?"- that is going to be so powerful to them. Put your own stuff aside. If you need to address your own feelings, do that separately.
Reggie: Yeah.
Tiffany: Show up for your kid and know that this is common for a lot of teenagers in general. There are times where they may attack us or fight with us, but there is usually something bigger going on.
Cristell: Yeah.
Reggie: Yeah.
Cristell: Regarding those comments a parent might make in response- I've told families I work with that when we acknowledge we are going into these conversations, we have to accept that parents are going to mess up. The kid is going to mess up. I might even mess up.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Cristell: If those comments have already been made, it's okay. We can go back and make repairs. Just acknowledge that those things were said, and then move forward from there.
Reggie: I’ll add that our parents are wonderful and their intentions are great; we want to applaud that. We also want to help them understand that this isn't really about them. This isn't a situation of "you didn't do this or that." It's about recognizing your intentions are good and then learning how to help guide your teen through these things. I would say the desire to learn more is what I’d like parents to walk away with, rather than thinking, "Oh my, my kid doesn't like me."
Tiffany: So, being curious.
Reggie: Being curious. Yes.
Tiffany: And holding space for two opposing themes at the same time.
Reggie: Correct.
Tiffany: Di...
Cristell: Dialectics.
Tiffany: Dialectics. Yeah. I was going to say the dialectic of how your child can feel loved and appreciative of you, and also feel incredibly lonely or even angry at times that they are adopted.
Reggie: That's it.
Tiffany: Those are two opposing things you have to hold space for, and it doesn't have to do with you.
Reggie: That's it. Yeah.
Tiffany: Let's talk about that grief and loss. How does it show up in adoption, even in stable, loving homes where parents have provided everything they could?
Reggie: Sure. In any kind of adoption, as we all know, there is loss. There is grief, a loss of identity, and grieving over birth families. All of that goes into how a child may approach life. Having said that, the same thing goes for adoptive parents sometimes. Sometimes there is a loss of the dream that things are going to be perfect, and they have to grieve that as well.
Tiffany: To add to that, I think many of our families are also facing infertility, and that is often what drives them to adoption. That brings a whole lot of loss and grief with it.
Reggie: Exactly. That is a perfect point. When we talk about grief and loss, it is no different than grieving the loss of a loved one. There are five or six different stages of grief, and all of that goes into adoption. We want to help parents recognize that these feelings are normal and are what anyone would feel. There is hope at the end of that cycle. By working through these things with your child, with a therapist, or through other means, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Tiffany: Absolutely.
Cristell: I think it also comes from parts we may not think about. It is not just about the parents; there is a loss of the child’s memories or information about themselves that they don’t have. Depending on when the adoption happened, there may also be pre-verbal trauma. The child might not actually remember or know specifically what they are grieving, but it is a response to what happened early in their life.
Tiffany: Yeah, because that was a question I had for you: what about the kids who are adopted at birth? How do they experience loss and grief?
Cristell: They may still have those intense emotions and stories they have been told. Those stories become real, and they will have their own message of why the adoption happened. Even if they have been told something different, those messages can still be ingrained just like any other core belief. That is real to the child, and that is where the grief can come from.
Tiffany: We are finding research that there is attachment even in utero that the child is experiencing. There is a real sense of loss or separation from their biological mother that they experience, though they may not realize it until later on. Let’s add one more piece. We talked about adoption and the grief and loss from that, but what about the grief and loss from transracial adoption? That is even more complex.
Reggie: Like I said before, there are always issues with adoption, but then you add the loss of culture and the loss of identity. There are two kinds of losses: the loss of a birth family, and then the loss of "Who am I? Where do I fit in?" That is where I feel we can support parents. We can help guide their teens through these issues, because it is not the parents' fault. These things happen, but we can support the teens in trying to bridge that gap and give parents the power to help bridge it with them. There is definitely that added loss for transracially adopted children.
Cristell: Just like Reggie said, it is not the parents' fault. It may also just be the loss of access to information or closeness to parts of their culture, depending on if they moved or were adopted from a different country. That access in general is gone. That is where the work comes in for parents to find where they can access those things for the child, whether it is in their home, their community, or elsewhere.
Tiffany: I love that. We are going to dive more into what parents can do, but first, we want to address the parents and validate your feelings. You came to adoption out of love and sometimes out of grief because you couldn't have your own children, or for numerous other reasons. It may feel at times like you are failing, yet we really want our listeners to hear that you are not failing.
Reggie: 100%.
Tiffany: This is not a parental failure. It is not because of what you have done. Even if you have said or done the wrong things, there is hope. This is a complex developmental and racial reality that requires support and education, and that is why we are doing this.
Reggie: I think along those lines, I hope our adoptive parents feel that this is a learning process for them too. This can be something they really enjoy, because it encourages them to step out of their comfort zone and see a bigger part of the world that they may have been shielded from through no fault of their own. It can be fun learning for both the parent and the child.
Tiffany: Oh, absolutely. That is what we are going to dive into: educating and helping our listeners learn that they are not alone, that there is hope, and offering some things to help guide you along the way.
Reggie: For sure.
Signs of Adoption Trauma
Tiffany: Let's dive in. What are some signs that an adopted teen is struggling with adoption trauma or identity pain?
Reggie: I think one of the things we talk about is "silent suffering." Some of the signs could be that your teen is withdrawing or is no longer doing the things they loved to do when they were younger. Maybe they are angry, or they aren't talking as much as they used to. They might even say "I'm fine" when they obviously are not.
Those are signs that our teens are struggling. One thing parents can do to help in those situations is to open up a conversation by saying something like, "Hey, I’ve noticed that you are more quiet in certain situations." It is best to do this in a timeframe where things are relaxed and there is no angst going on, encouraging the teen to discuss it openly if they would like. Those are some of the signs parents should look for, and it's helpful to discuss ways they can intervene.
Cristell: I have seen some of the kids I work with have changes in their relationships with friends or siblings, or even extended family members. Whether those relationships were neutral or close, they just shift. Maybe they still withdraw, and that often comes from not knowing if they can relate to those people anymore or feeling shame about sharing how they are feeling.
Even for teens who have adoptive siblings, they don't know if their siblings feel the same way they do, so they start to withdraw from them, too. Being curious about those shifts would be a good response.
Tiffany: Would you say it's pretty common for them to grow up being healthy, loving, fun kids, and then the teen years hit and stuff starts to come out? Maybe they manifest things when they are younger, but in my experience as a clinician, parents often say things were great until the child hit 12.
Reggie: Puberty, yeah.
Tiffany: Puberty happened.
Reggie: Yeah. We have all been through puberty and worked with teens going through it, and parents understand that transition. What I want them to understand is that for the transracially adopted teen, they aren't just going through puberty; they are also going through all these other issues that typical teens don't face.
Tiffany: They are experiencing the loss of identity and the grief we talked about, and sometimes shame and cultural disconnect. What else?
Cristell: They struggle with self-esteem and not knowing where they fit in. They often have negative core beliefs about who they are and the role they play in their family, and to them, that is just "who they are." That will spill into other areas of their life, too.
Tiffany: And I really think they feel alone, even if they have an amazing family and amazing parents. From your presentations, it sounds like they are just feeling lonely.
Reggie: Yeah. From a parent's point of view- or maybe an outsider's point of view- it is hard because the teen seems to have it all, right? They have the things that families value: love, a great home, supportive parents, and outside activities. Yet, they tend to suffer silently because, on one side, they can see they have a lot to be thankful for, but at the same time, they have these internal struggles that other people can't see.
Cristell: It is something they can't really describe, and that is where the "feeling alone" comes from. They don't know who can relate unless they are talking to someone who is also a transracial adoptee. But even then, that experience is going to be different for every person.
Tiffany: I want to dive a little deeper into adoption trauma and how it manifests, like the withdrawal, isolation, or sudden aggressive behaviors. There are also times where they don't really know why they are doing what they are doing. You’ve mentioned an example of hoarding food where a parent might ask, "Why are you hoarding food? We have plenty," and the teen says, "I don't know."
Reggie: Tiffany, I think we really need to understand that they truly don't know. In therapy, we hear that a lot: "I don't know why I do what I do." There is a function behind the behavior, and it is our job- as parents, therapists, and mentors- to help them find the language for it. A lot of times, they don't have the verbiage to talk about what they are feeling or why they are feeling it. Helping them find that language can be as simple as a parent sitting down, putting themselves in that child's shoes, and offering suggestions or explaining what certain feelings mean.
Cristell: They may not have the insight into why they are doing those things because they are in "crisis mode." They are not in a place to be able to think through things logically. That is why building a common language is so important, so they have a baseline. We know that isn't going to happen when they are actively in crisis; it needs to happen when they are regulated and able to have those discussions. Getting those "I don't know" responses is going to be common, because in that moment, they actually don't know. They aren't able to think through it.
Tiffany: So how can parents show up in that crisis moment and hold space for them as they are trying to gain insight and search for the vocabulary they need?
Reggie: First of all, by creating a space of safety. Letting them know: "I'm a safe place. You can talk to me. You can say anything you'd like to me. I'm here when you want to talk." I think validation is really good too- validating what that teen may be saying, no matter how off-base or even insensitive it might be. But I think the biggest thing is just being a presence for your child. Just being there and letting them know, "I can go to mom and dad and they are going to help me with this; I don't have to worry about how I say it or what I say. I can just get it out."
Cristell: Going back to what you said about dialectics and parents being that safe person for the child to go to, be aware that the child may have different perspectives as they continue to have these conversations. Listening to the child in that specific point in time will actually create that safe space. We often focus on the response of, "What can I do or say to make it better?" But it may not make it better. It is about holding that space to actually listen and understand where their child is coming from. If their response changes in the next week or the next month, that’s just where they are at that point in time. There is not a right answer or a wrong answer; it is just about understanding where the child is.
Tiffany: I love that. I think parents need to realize they don't always have to have the right answer. As therapists, we don't always have the right answer either. But if you can hold space and say, "I don't know what to say right now, but I love you and I'm here for you," that is enough. If you can at least connect with the feeling- "I know what it's like to feel lonely," or "I know what it's like to feel unheard or not seen"- then you can connect with them, right? All you really need to say is, "I'm here. I love you. I've felt similar emotions." You don't have to understand completely, but you are there.
Some parents are going to notice that their teen may pull away from them, especially when parents don't share their child's racial experience.
Conversations About Race
Tiffany: So how can parents have an early conversation about race? Why does that matter, and why can't families be "colorblind"?
Reggie: I would say, first of all, that discussions about race should happen early and often. I really feel waiting until it comes up may not be fair to either the parents or their teens. If we talk about it early, then we are learning together. We are in the process of learning and guiding our teen to understand that talking about race doesn't have to be a scary thing. I think the earlier, the better.
Cristell: Families can't be colorblind because the child is going to be aware of race sooner than the parents realize. It is something we may not think about with kids in general, but they do start to notice in elementary school when their friends point it out, right? Even when coloring, they will point out those differences. That is going to be a part of their lives, so bringing it into the conversations at home creates a safe space for the kids to discuss it. And again, if it hasn't happened at this point, start now.
Reggie: It's never too late.
Cristell: Yeah, never too late. Even with the families we've worked with and comments I've heard from transracial adoptees, they have appreciated the bluntness of their parents saying, "Hey, people are going to point out that we have different skin tones, and that you may not be the same race as I am." The kids appreciated that because those were often the earlier comments they received, rather than the mean comments from kids who didn't know how to address it.
Reggie: I want to add to that, because I agree 100%. The reason we can't be colorblind in situations like this is because the world is not colorblind. Although "I don't see color" is a great thought and I applaud the sentiment, if we don't recognize that there is a difference, we are setting things up to be harder down the line.
Tiffany: I think what I'm hearing you say is that the intention to not talk about race- and to say "I don't see color"- is good. You are seeking to protect your child, to include them, and to help them not feel alone. You feel these differences shouldn't matter. But the reality is, you aren't necessarily preparing them for when a kid at school or someone at the grocery store says something awkward or mean.
We will talk about microaggressions down the road, but those things cause damage. Opening that door and just calling it what it is actually achieves the parent's real intention: helping the child feel loved, included, and part of the family. When those hard things happen, they know they can go talk to their parents.
Reggie: Yes, 100%. Cristell is right; I've had clients say, "I want to hear it. I want to talk about it." As hard as it may sound to have a conversation like that, bluntness is really what our teens want to hear. Guiding them through it as early as we can is preferable.
Tiffany: I want to relate this for parents listening with an example. I've lost both my parents recently, and I've gone through a divorce. With all those things, I feel like people often don't know what to say or how to show up for me. There are those one-liners that are actually more hurtful than helpful, or people who avoid it and don't say anything at all.
Actually, the best thing people could do is say, "How are you doing? I'm so sorry you lost your parents. I don't know what to say, but I'm here if you want to talk about it or tell me about them." That resonates with me. It shows me these people care. They may not know what to say, and that's okay, but they aren't going to tiptoe around me or walk on eggshells. That avoidance is actually more hurtful.
Reggie: Yes. Because that teen knows there is an elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. They wonder, "What does that mean and how does that relate to me?"
Tiffany: Exactly.
Cristell: Having that kind of "tiptoeing" response causes the child or teen to become aware of the other person's emotions. They then feel they have to take care of the parent instead of addressing their own feelings.
Reggie: That's a great point.
Tiffany: I love that. If a parent listening struggles to have a conversation about race, what are some tips so they can start now and realize it's never too late?
Reggie: First, recognize that you may not feel comfortable. Recognize your own biases. Ask yourself: "Am I bringing biases into this? Why haven't I talked about this earlier? Do I have some hesitation?" Address those things as obstacles to having a healthy conversation.
I hope this podcast helps parents find ways to start, but there is also literature and educational tools out there to help you understand where you are coming from. Second, understand that it's okay to not know. It's okay to not know how your teen feels, but that's where you can ask: "I don't know how this feels, but what is it like for you to be the only African-American in your class?" or "I don't know how it feels to live in a neighborhood where you are the only one of your race." Offering those open-ended questions can start a conversation that you can learn from as well.
Cristell: Yeah, I think just acknowledging that you don't know what you don't know when asking the child those questions would be really good. A complex part here is being aware that the child is not going to be your educator. Taking in their perspective will help you navigate the situation, but you should then take that information and do your own research or talk to other people who can give you more perspective. That way, you can come back to your child and continue to have those conversations.
Tiffany: I love that. We are going to dive into support groups and resources you can look into. But I think ultimately it comes down to parents doing their own work. If you need to get into therapy, find a therapist who can help you navigate this. This is a tricky conversation and a complex situation, right? So, do your own work. Get yourself to a point where you can go through the weeds with someone who isn't your child holding your hand and educating you.
Once you figure out what your own biases are, you can find stability and be that constant for your teen who is struggling and experiencing those ups and downs. When you can manage your own emotions, your biases, and perhaps your own history and trauma, then you can really show up for your kids. Can you educate our listeners on what "Ghost Kingdoms" are?
Understanding Ghost Kingdoms & Mirrors
Reggie: Sure. I think the best way for me to explain this is that if you have a transracially adopted child who has not been exposed to many people or places they can identify with, they sometimes develop what we call "ghost kingdoms." This is where they may see a family on TV, in a grocery store, or even famous people who look like them. Whether it is an African-American man or woman they see on a daily basis in movies or media, they develop these images of belonging. They think, "That is who I belong to. Those are my mom and my dad."
I had parents growing up, but they divorced when I was young and I lived mostly with just my mom. I would see Black males who were doing well and had families, and I would place myself in that family, thinking, "I belong to them- that’s my dad." They develop these ghost kingdoms because they have a strong need to belong to a family where the mom and dad look like them.
Tiffany: That can also relate to someone adopted from South America or Russia, where they are trying to find something they can relate to and they create this fantasy family. This leads us to our next important discussion: mirrors. What are mirrors, and how can parents help seek them out to help the adoptive child thrive?
Cristell: Mirrors are mentors, teachers, and people the child can relate to who are the same race they are. I think with the teens we’ve worked with, mirrors may not always be the same race, but they are people the child can relate to a little more closely.
In transracial adoptions, it is common to have a White parent and a child who is a minority. I’ve seen teens relate to other people who are also minorities, even if they aren't the same specific race, simply because they aren't White. That person becomes one of their mirrors. They are just people the child can relate to who are different from their parents.
Tiffany: I think you had a cool story about how one of your clients responded when the parent finally saw you.
Cristell: Oh yeah.
Tiffany: Do you want to share that story? I loved it.
Cristell: Yeah. With our families, we often get to meet the teen before we meet the parents. We email back and forth or have phone calls. I was working with this teen and her mom, and that is exactly what we had done. Finally, we got on a video call for a family session without the teen present. We went through the introductions, and before we brought the kid in, the mom said, "Can I just say something? I’m just so happy you’re not blonde and blue-eyed with a pixie cut."
That sentence has stuck with me. she didn't mean anything bad by it. She is White, and that was just her blunt, upbeat way of speaking. But it was her way of pointing out that this was the first time her child was working with someone who was a minority. Her daughter had great connections with other therapists, but she knew this would add another layer to our therapeutic relationship.
It turned out that way. The teen and I had a great connection, and she would tell her aunt, "My therapist is Latina and it’s super cool." It was also a good point for me to reflect on my work. This teen is Black and I am not. Although we could relate on some things, I still had to do my own work to understand her perspective and what she was going through. Just because we could relate on some levels didn't mean my work was done.
Tiffany: I love that example and the importance of having a mirror- someone in a role as a teacher, therapist, or professional. Seeing someone from their own culture, or even just a different minority culture, thriving and being successful provides the motivation and connection they need to do well themselves. That is a really good predictor of success.
Cristell: Yeah.
Tiffany: Why do names, hair care, food, and cultural representation matter so much?
Cultural Representation and Identity
Reggie: I’ll speak to the first two. First of all, I know that for many African-Americans- especially females- their hair is their ground. That is how they identify. It is important for a parent to understand that most kids don't have to think about this, but for African-American girls, how their hair looks is often a top priority as they get older. They want to wear it proudly and know that the people around them, especially their parents, understand its significance.
Culture-wise, we have to understand that our teens need to feel they belong. They need to feel there is a space for them and that they aren't just floating from culture to culture. We understand they have to exist in both, but sometimes "just existing" doesn't feel like belonging. As therapists, adoptive parents, and mentors, we must understand that belonging is vital.
Cristell: It’s important because it’s a part of their identity. These are things they can share with others and be proud of. With culture, it often includes language.
Tiffany: And music, right?
Cristell: Yeah. Music, food, all of that. It is something we share with other people to make connections. Just as their classmates or friends share their own traditions, our teens want to share theirs, too. It is great when they can share what their immediate family has along with the added parts of their race and culture.
Some teens also navigate name changes. I mentioned the example of my own name; you asked me at the beginning how to say it. I often just have people call me "Crystal," but in Spanish, it is Cristell. Those details matter. I’ve had people call me that, and even with other Hispanic people, if we speak Spanish back and forth, they might call me "Cris" as a term of endearment. It actually throws me off a little bit if we aren't close, but those are the kinds of cultural nuances people want to be able to share.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Reggie: I want to add to that, because I've heard Cristell’s story a number of times and it always makes me smile because it's true. One thing I really want to stress is that you mentioned music and clothing. There is sometimes a tendency for parents to guide kids away from certain kinds of music, clothing, or friends. I want parents to know that sometimes that is just the teen trying to identify and belong.
Tiffany: I was hoping you’d talk about this.
Reggie: Take rap music, for example. Most parents, especially if there is offensive wording, will disallow it in their home. That is a separate discussion, but I want them to understand that the teen isn't necessarily trying to be defiant or go against what the parents want; they are trying to identify and belong. How can we bridge that gap? We can educate ourselves and set some limits, but we need to help parents understand it isn't always about defiance.
Tiffany: There are ways to find music that is edited and clean. You may not like it or understand it, but if that is their connection, allow them to have that.
Reggie: Yes. Exactly. We also mentioned that Black hair is very different from White hair. It dries out more and needs special products and treatment. Going to a barber who is a person of color and understands those needs is going to be much more supportive than going to a barber who just cuts hair without that knowledge. Treating our hair is a different process, so it is important for parents to seek out stylists or barbers who get that.
Tiffany: Yeah.
Reggie: When teens feel supported, there are things parents can do, like buying the right products for the home. You can tap into the knowledge and lived experiences of professionals. I remember when one of my children was younger, she wanted braids. I knew exactly where to take her. It was a long process, but they knew what they were doing and she felt very supported. I had that knowledge, but I think about parents who don't. I'm hoping they can learn from this podcast that there are people out there who understand the specific needs of different hair types.
Tiffany: I think parents just listening to this shows they are willing to show up, do the work, and educate themselves to be the type of parent their adoptee needs.
Reggie: 100%.
Tiffany: So again, thank you parents for listening. Do your work and do what you need to do. It isn't always going to be perfect- it's an up-and-down process- but the fact that you're here shows that you care and want to do the right thing.
Reggie: 100%.
Tiffany: And I love that you mentioned finding a barber of the same race, because that brings in the mirror aspect again.
Understanding & Responding to Microaggressions
Reggie: There’s the mirror aspect. Yep.
Tiffany: Let's talk about preventing unintentional harm during vulnerable moments with our transracial adoptees. What are microaggressions, and why do they hit harder during a crisis?
Cristell: Microaggressions are comments or actions that point out racial differences, usually in a passive or passive-aggressive way. Often, they are said in a joking manner or intended to be lighthearted, but they actually cause harm to the person receiving them or to others listening.
A common one might be, "You don't look like your parents," or... I'm trying to think of some other examples. I know you had some good ones, Reggie.
Reggie: It can be things like, "Oh, you should like this food; Black people really like fried chicken," for example. The thing I want to add about microaggressions is that people often don't even know they are doing it. Sometimes they may even feel like they are being supportive and just don't realize how it lands in certain situations. It could come from parents, siblings, extended family, teachers, or friends. We need to understand that these things exist and help educate parents on how to respond and how to help their teen respond.
Tiffany: That leads to my next question: how can parents respond when others commit microaggressions against their child?
Cristell: I would say by correcting it. It may not require fully educating the person who made the comment, but saying something in response that corrects the statement or points out that it wasn't okay helps the child feel supported.
In that moment, they get the benefit of hearing that correction and knowing there is an acknowledgment that the comment wasn't okay. My parent is aware. I don't have to carry this and wonder, "Was that okay or was it not?" That is usually how microaggressions feel- it may not be something blunt, but just an uneasy feeling. As a child or teen tries to understand that for themselves, getting that correction from a parent is very helpful.
Reggie: I’ll add that a lot of microaggressions take place in schools. When your teen comes home and talks about it- even if they aren't fully aware it was a microaggression- what is the parent's response? I would say certainly educate your child, but I would also take it up with the school to discuss what took place and how they intend to respond to it.
Tiffany: Cristell, you had a great example of a microaggression you experienced at school. I’d love for you to share that with our listeners.
Cristell: Yeah. I grew up in Provo, Utah. It is diverse, but not overly so. I was thankfully able to be in several concurrent enrollment and honors classes, but in those classes, I was often one of only two minority students.
During my senior year, I was on the ballroom team and taking extra classes for college credit. I went to the counselor's office, and since my usual counselor wasn't there, I spoke with someone else. This person was actually assigned to many of the Hispanic students because she was bilingual, so I was surprised by her reaction. I showed her my full schedule, which she had to approve because I was taking so many credits. She looked at my honors and concurrent enrollment classes and asked, "Are you sure you can do that?"
To me, it wasn't even a question; I had been doing it throughout high school. She eventually signed off on it, but that microaggression was her questioning my capability. My assumption was that the other kids weren't getting those questions; it was just a given that they would be successful.
Tiffany: Because of their race?
Cristell: Yeah. Because of assumed access or support. She asked that question, and that was a microaggression.
Tiffany: I love that example. Thank you. What are some common parent phrases that can actually make teens feel more alone? I mean the ones that are intended to help, but only end up making the situation worse.
Cristell: Anything like, "You should be grateful." Or anything that starts with a "but"- like, "But we love you," or "But you are a part of our family; we have sacrificed so much to have you." Even things like, "Think about your siblings and what they’ve gone through." Anything that minimizes their specific experience.
Reggie: Or "We don't see color."
Cristell: Exactly.
Reggie: "We don't see color," or "We love you as much as our biological children." Even though I believe most parents truly feel that way, it can still land as a microaggression.
Tiffany: Yeah. Or "Why are you making this about race?" Again, if you’re listening and thinking, "Oh, I have said those things," it’s okay.
Reggie: It’s okay.
Tiffany: You’re not a bad parent. You’re showing up here, which is amazing. It shows that you care. There are ways you can redirect and even go back to your child later. That’s the best thing about parenting, no matter what situation you are in: the ability to go back and say, "Hey, I made a mistake," or "I shouldn't have said this."
Reggie: Yeah.
Tiffany: "How did that make you feel? Let me repair this."
Reggie: It really is an educational situation where we can go back and ask, "How did you feel when I said this?" or "How did you feel when Uncle Johnny said that?" It’s about putting different language to the experience and helping your kid navigate those feelings.
Tiffany: Let's move forward to how parents can seek support and what groups are out there to help them be successful. What kind of long-term support helps teens develop a stable racial and cultural identity?
Reggie: I think first of all, it starts with a parent who is willing to do their own work and understand that their child doesn't have to protect them from any cultural, racial, or identity issues. The child needs to know they can come to the parent at any time. I also think parents should develop consistency by identifying different groups, movies, or cultural holidays. They can have their teen attend these and make it a family thing. This isn't just for the child; it’s something the entire family celebrates together. Just being a consistent, safe presence is how you help them feel supported.
Tiffany: I love an example you shared with me about a family who realized their child really needed support and mirrors, but they lived in a community that didn’t offer that. It was predominantly a different race. Can you share what that family chose to do? Not all families need to do this, but it’s such a powerful example.
Reggie: It really underscores the importance of parents recognizing they can do more. Like you said, everyone doesn't have to do this, but these parents chose to relocate to a part of the city where there was more diversity. They stepped out of a neighborhood they were used to for years and into something new. That was a big step, and I take my hat off to them because it required a lot of commitment.
If you aren’t willing or able to relocate- because that is a very real issue for many- you can still go out of your way to make those situations happen more frequently. Ensure your child is able to touch base with mirrors, people who look like them, and groups with similar lived experiences. It was really nice to see that happen during my work with them.
Tiffany: Even if parents don't move, they can find a therapist who is both adoption-competent and culturally competent for their child- ideally someone who mirrors them. Maybe that means they aren't close by and you have to drive a little further. When parents are looking for a therapist like that, what questions should they ask?
Reggie: First of all, there is help out there to find these therapists. For many parents, this is the first time they’ve had to go outside of what they are used to. Hiring an educational consultant can be a great source, as they know specific programs and therapists who are skilled in transracial adoption issues. Of course, the internet is a resource, as is word-of-mouth from people who have been through the same thing. There are definitely parent groups out there that can help.
Tiffany: Are there specific support groups focused on transracial adopted kids or mentorship communities they can seek out?
Cristell: It depends on where the families are located. We work with people from all over the U.S., and as we've done more presentations on this topic, we’ve found that there are indeed support groups available, which I think is what Reggie is referencing.
Tiffany: What kind of training should a therapist have, and are there trainings parents can seek out for themselves?
Reggie: As Cristell mentioned, there is the TAC training- the Training for Adoption Competency- for therapists.
Tiffany: For our listeners, what exactly is TAC training?
Reggie: It stands for Training for Adoption Competency. It has various levels, and I believe the first level is more of an introduction.
Cristell: It’s an introductory course.
Tiffany: So a parent could take it?
Cristell: Yeah.
Reggie: Yes. And as far as therapists go, there are Centers for Adoption Support and Education- the acronym is C.A.S.E.- which offer education and training. That is where therapists and mental health providers can go, and it is a very in-depth program. It is nearly a year-long training.
Cristell: Yes, it’s a year-long training.
Reggie: We are actually going to be doing that training here soon in their next cohort, and we are excited about that. All of our therapists at OASIS will be certified through that program. Those kinds of resources are out there, and we encourage anyone who works with this population to go through it.
Tiffany: I love it.
Cristell: It is definitely appropriate to ask any therapist you meet if they have experience working with adoption or transracial adoptions. If they have gone through a training- whether it is this one or another- they should be able to speak to that. It is always okay to ask.
Tiffany: Okay. So there are resources out there; check around in your community and talk to other people. I’m sure on certain social media platforms you can find groups to connect with and network to further your learning. There are many actions parents can take to become more racially aware and provide more hope, support, and a sense of belonging for their child- and for themselves- as they navigate this.
Reggie: Yeah.
Tiffany: What final message would you want adoptive families to take away about seeking help?
Seeking Help & Sharing Success Stories
Reggie: It is never too late. I want parents to understand that if you are listening to this and feel there are things you can take from this and learn, please add them to whatever you are already doing. What you are doing now is good. There are so many positive things that adoptive parents are doing, and we want to echo that. This is just more support to help fill in the gaps. We want you to see this as a tool to look at yourself and as encouragement to do your own work.
Cristell: I would echo that. It is not too late, and doing the work includes parents getting support for themselves, too.
Tiffany: I agree. Do your own work so you can show up for your child the way they need you to. To wrap up, would you both mind sharing a success story from your time as a therapist?
Cristell: I’m thinking of a family who was with us not too long ago. The parents were very aware of how the transracial adoption was impacting their child, though the teen hadn’t talked about it much yet. They had dealt with microaggressions- comments like, "You don’t look like your parents."
While he was at OASIS, we were able to go deeper. We identified his core beliefs, and the parents were very involved in challenging and reframing those beliefs while remaining incredibly validating. That family sticks out to me because they did their own work to set up mirrors as the child transitioned back home. They took the steps to find a therapist who could continue that specific work. Their time at OASIS focused on stabilization, and once we reached that point, we were able to start those conversations at a deeper level. That is a success story to me: it wasn’t too late to start the conversation, and they set up exactly what the family needed to continue that progress after leaving us.
Reggie: I have several, but the one I want to emphasize today is a family from out of state who brought their son to see us. These parents were well-intended and wonderful, and they came into therapy admitting, "We don't know everything. We are willing to listen and hear what we might need to change. We are just looking for guidance and are motivated to connect with our son."
On paper, their son’s behavioral problems looked like opposition and defiance. In reality, it was all the other issues we’ve talked about today. We helped the parents pivot in how they observed his behavior. Once we identified the function of the behavior and showed the parents how to start conversations about race, culture, and identity, they thrived. He graduated, and I recently received a graduation announcement in the mail.
Tiffany: That’s awesome.
Reggie: He graduated high school, and the family sent a letter thanking OASIS for steering them in the right direction. That really sticks out to me.
Tiffany: I love it. There are success stories, there is hope, and to our listeners: you are not alone, and it is never too late.
Conclusion & Future Support
Reggie: Yes.
Tiffany: Thank you, Reggie and Cristell, for showing up today and sharing such an important message with us.
Reggie: Thank you. It’s been a lot of fun.
Tiffany: Thank you again to Reggie and Cristell for guiding us through this important topic. And thank you so much to the listeners who tuned into this difficult conversation. It means you care; it means you’re learning. And learning is love in action.
In our next episode, we’ll look at how residential programs like OASIS can help transracial adoptees who are struggling and give families the support they need.